My story of how I created beauty from chaos without even knowing it.
A year ago I was faced with the decision to either get a vaccine that I didn’t agree with, or lose my job. At the time I had been working as a nurse in various settings and hospitals for 5 years, and had spent 18 months working through the pandemic.
To then be faced with having to make this decision after working long hours, short shifting, constantly understaffed, not to mention the fact for the first few months we didn’t even wear masks or ‘proper’ PPE, was a total slap in the face.
I just worked through some of the worst conditions in the health industry history, to be repaid with dismissal of my job if I didn’t take a vaccine that went against my beliefs. I knew from the beginning that I wouldn’t give in to getting it just to keep my job, and fortunately for me that was a possibility.
I didn’t have a mortgage, or kids, or anyone else depending on me to keep a roof over their head and food in their bellies. Sure there were times I tossed around the thought of getting it just to be able to help my colleagues who now would be facing even more severe staffing issues- but it was never long before the complete disgust and anger to my employer would seep back in and open my eyes again to the insanity of these mandates.
So, as you can guess by now, I lost my job.
In the time leading up to the day I was let go I had to make some big life choices- including selling my truck as winter was fast approaching and I was living in my travel trailer at the time.
Now as clear cut as my decision was that I would not be getting vaccinated, my mental health was spiraling out of control. I had been put on stress leave from work, and was prescribed anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication.
As if what was going on didn’t make me mad enough, my situation was to be masked with the unneeded use of addictive medications that come with their own side effects. I didn’t need mediations, I needed support.
With the world, what seemed to be crashing down around me, something in me just needed to run. I wanted to be in a new place, surrounded by new people, and have a chance at a clear mind with time to rebuild what was broken down inside of me.
So, that’s exactly what I did. Within a week I made the decision to move to Hinton. I began looking for places for my boyfriend, Chad, my dogs and myself to go and have a fresh start. We found a place, went to look at it, took a leap… and a few weeks later, I was there.
Right around the same time, I had my old colleague, Brianne, reach out to me. She had reached out saying, “Are you interested in any casual work? I’m leaving the country and I am thinking about hiring someone”.
This was days before she left, but I jumped at the opportunity. I ended up having a short crash course on what she wanted done right before she left, and well, the rest is history- but I’ll get to that shortly.
After packing up all of my belongings into bins and putting them in storage, I took my pillow, my dogs, my clothes and a few other things and loaded them into the truck. After hearing my little brother say, “Drive safe, Love you,” I got in the truck and headed out.
Tears filled my eyes, as I got a blurry last look at everything I ever knew in my life fading in the rearview mirror as I drove away.
I left on November 15th, the first snowstorm of the season of course (but why would I expect anything less with the way life was going for me at the time). I made the drive and got possession on my own as my boyfriend was out of town and wouldn’t be there for a couple weeks yet.
Now not only did I make the move alone, this was also my first time ever moving away. Every emotion flooded my body as I made the drive to my new house. What was normally a short 2.5hr drive felt like forever… I mean it could’ve been the horrible roads or the mere fact I was literally trying to escape the nightmare I had been living in for the months prior.
As I began settling into our new place I found comfort in this fresh “canvas” if you will. It was a new beginning- a new story that I could start over and make it the way I wanted.
As time went on my boyfriend was able to come home from work, and I began to realize that home wasn’t a place at all, it was a feeling that came from the ones who brought me comfort and security. Home was having my little family, my boyfriend and dogs, together sharing time and making memories.
Ultimately my time in Hinton was short, but so empowering, healing, and freeing. Hinton means so much to me now, as if I left a part of my soul floating though the trees where it is protected by the mountains. I long for the time I get to return and have my soul feel whole again.
I guess I should get to the part where I moved home since I already spilled the beans (incase you don’t know me). In the new year of 2022, Brianne (my boss), and I started having more and more zoom meetings, tossing around new and somewhat crazy, huge ideas.
Before I knew it, I enrolled in school to join Brianne as A Holistic Nurse and Health Coach. Having the opportunity to step into a role outside of traditional “healthcare”, and provide unbiased, life changing health and wellness coaching to individuals is more than I would’ve ever dreamt of doing.
We began planning and building the business more and more, initially with plans for me to expand within Hinton. As months went by Chad and I began to realize that financially long-term staying in Hinton was not in our best interest, and we made the decision to move home.
From that point forward, Brianne and I then began to make bigger plans anticipating both of our returns home. Excitement grew- but at the same time the realization that I was leaving behind the place that allowed me to find peace within myself and return to the place that broke me was extremely hard.
I cherished my time being held by the mountains each day until we left, and each day now I am grateful for the growth I was able to do in their safety. When the day came to move home, there were tears, and there are still tears to this day, even sitting here writing this.
Truth is, I’ve been wanting to write this for a while now, but I’m not sure what’s been stopping me from doing it. Perhaps it’s the feelings of anger and betrayal as I near the one year anniversary to when I was let go from my job as a hospital nurse, that have been consuming me and preventing me from getting this all out.
I am here right now, sitting in my cozy office right where I am meant to be. I’m telling my story, and I’m not even sure if it’s for others to read yet- I just knew I needed to get it out.
I’ve been home for close to 5 months now, crazy to think I’ve been home almost as long as I was living in Hinton and yet the time has passed so quickly.
The first month after moving was hard every single day. Since then it tends to come in waves- but I have been allowing myself to fall in love with what is around me instead of shutting it out.
Slowly, I have been able to discover joy and beauty in things again. I guess the biggest thing for me has been acknowledging how blessed I am for this life and everything I have allowed to be a part of it.
Waking up with gratitude to the fact of just waking up each day. To be thankful for a body capable of healing and carrying my soul though the chaos that has surrounded my life in this past year. For people who love and support me, and for learning to love and support myself, even on my darkest days.
A year ago, my world flipped completely upside down. Life pushed me to my limits each and every day, testing my strength with what seemed like never ending challenges. I would be lying if I said it didn’t break me- that the thoughts of not waking up would bring moments of peace as I tried to escape what my life had become.
Looking back now, a year ago I had no idea that my story of this past year would look anything like it does. I am beyond grateful in my ability to battle the darkest times of my life and come out on top living a beautiful and humble life.
I didn’t know it then but having life as I knew it ripped from my hands and smashed to a thousand pieces right in front of me was exactly what I needed to set me on a new path that was truly aligned with the person I needed to become.
All the sleepless nights, the panic attacks, the tears where you cry so hard no sound comes out, and questioning my will to live this life, it all had to happen to push me to want better, to be better.
It put me here, to tell my story, to inspire others, to keep growing and learning, and always find beauty in the hard times.
I hope by me sharing the innermost details of this struggle and the steps I am taking to rebuild myself, that you are able to find strength, courage and peace- and most importantly, that you are inspired to keep moving forward.
Taylor Goebel xx
LPN & Student Coach